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Just For Laughs


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When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo,let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-Brian O'Rourke

The problem with some people is
that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
- William Butler Yeats

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza.
--Dave Barry

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the
bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks
disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and
takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes
him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug walks up to him and
says, "Hey John! What's the case of beer for?" John replies, "I got it for my wife." "Oh!" Doug says, "Good

> > It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding
> > A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden
> > Next up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win
> > Over a bunch of young fellas from United Berlin
> > They can't hit the net, they can't even pass it
> > There's no chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek
> > It's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things
> > They don't want it as much, they got their cup rings
> > But a 3-3 tie, with a late goal you would like
> > Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk
> > The one that they thought was too slow and too old
> > Has not given up the quest for hockey gold.
> > Then things started changing, all for the best
> > They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.
> > Then Sweden was next, they'd better get loose
> > But the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus!
> > And then the ladies came from out of the blue
> > Against the favored Americans, knew what to do
> > The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told
> > So they captured our hearts and brought back the gold
> > Then suddenly the Great One, our hero of youth
> > Told the hockey world the absolute truth
> > He said they don't like us, they want us to lose
> > We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise
> > So a North American Final was set, us and the States
> > This time they were ready, they laced up their skates
> > This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance
> > It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France
> > The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest
> > But our boys came out and they played their best
> > Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux
> > And Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2
> > Despite the bad press and media opinions
> > We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians
> > From Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted
> > Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed
> > When we play hockey there is no English or French
> > There is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench
> > They played the game for our Country, they played it true
> > And on behalf of the Country I say thank you.
> > For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate
> > About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate
> > This nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class
> > But if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!
> > John Riche
> > Newfoundland, Canada
> >




Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be
out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy


A man walks into a bar and boasts, "I'm a beer expert. I can tell you everything about a beer just by tasting
it." The bartender decides to test him. After blindfolding the beer expert, the bartender pours him a glass of
dark beer. The beer expert tastes it and says, "Ah, this is an Irish Stout, Murphy's. and it was brewed by a
man wearing striped trousers and bifocals."
Impressed, the bartender offers him a second glass of beer. "This is a Belgian beer, a St. Paul Tripel, and it
was brewed by a guy named Eddie."
The testing goes on and on, with the expert offering more and more details about each beer he tastes. The
bartender becomes irritated and decides to play a trick on the beer expert. Hurrying outside, he fills a glass
with urine from his horse, then rushes back into the bar and offers it to the beer expert. The beer expert
tastes it, then spits it out. "Ptoo! Ugh! This is nothing but urine!"
The bartender replies, "Yeah, but whose?"

There's this guy who's sitting in the bar he order's two pints at a time he drink's one of the pint's pours the
other between his legs the waitress come's around again asks the guy if he'd like two more beer's,he replies
yes two more pint's she bring's him two more pint's she then noticed that he drank one of the pint's and
poured the other between his legs she asks him what are you doing sir "he say's"Well miss I just won the
649 Lottery and this is the only PRICK I'm sharing it with

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